From the archives (January 27, 2007)….
I came across an article on msnbc.com on how having kids can make our child-free pals feel alienated. The article goes on to talk about how we, as mothers, can become so wrapped up in our new lives that we often forget about those that do not have children. The woman quoted in the article really hit a sore spot with me and the article got me pretty fired up.
“The issue of having children — or not — can pit women’s friendships with land mines. What for some is a joyous event can trigger painful feelings in others. Some may have regrets about their own choices, worry they’ll lose their friend to the pull of playgroups and other mommies or feel a stab of grief about their past own losses or infertility. And even when both women in a friendship are at peace with the decisions they’ve made, having a child often still means the relationship needs to be renegotiated.” It goes on….
“As lives evolve, so do priorities. Some childless women complain their friends with children turn into mommy machines — always wanting to talk about their babies and resembling very little of their former fun selves.” And on….
“Happily child-free by choice, Lisa Giassa, a 35-year-old public relations executive who lives in Bergen County, N.J., saw many of her friends get sucked into what she calls “the mommy mafia.”
“All they do is talk — more like complain — about their kids, their husbands, dramas with teachers and other mommy mafia members,” says Giassa.
“It’s as if they became incapable of doing anything that didn’t fit their ideal of what a mommy should be and do. It just became too much effort and I began to ask what am I getting from these friendships? What am I giving? Then I realized we just grew apart. So it was time to find new friends.”
I do not know about the experiences that other women had when they became mothers, but it was definitely not how it went down in my world. In fact, it was the exact opposite.
With one group of friends, as soon as I announced that I was pregnant the phone calls began to fade. It was as if they made the decision that I would not want to go out anymore. That all of the sudden, since I was pregnant, that I would not be interested or able to gossip about celebrities or that I must no longer listen to music or watched movies. That I didn’t go out to eat. That I should be a hermit.
I was devastated. It was really hard for me to come to terms with. The fact that some of them felt that they no longer had anything in common with me. That they stopped calling. These had been people that had been my “friends” during college. I am interested to learn if any of you experienced something similar? Here is the rest of the article if you want to check it out.http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16491375/
You're not alone girl! When I got pregnant, I felt alienated from my friends because they DIDNT have kids. There's a part of me that wants to go out whenever I want, just like them. Why should they feel alienated by me? They can go wherever they want, whenever they want. That article cracked me up. Like, when do I have time, between working and caring for my child( and husband…), to make special friend time so they dont feel alienated?? Yeah right!! Or should I not talk about my daughter around them? When she's the most important thing in my life now? If any of my friends talked like the 35 year old public relations chick, I'd smack them across the face!
I think it's hard when you have kids and those around you don't. It's almost like you communicate on a different level. I totally get you!
I remember reading that article when it was published! I read it not long after I returned to work from my maternity leave. I think it was the reason I became super paranoid to talk about my kids to non-mom friends.
I haven’t noticed much of a difference between friends I had before pregnant v. after, but a lot of my friends became pregnant when I did. I know I *am* hesitant though, to forge new friendship with childless friends. It almost seems like too much work–does that make sense? I even remarked to someone that I had made a really nice, new work friend, but she didn’t have kids so we probably wouldn’t be hanging outside of work.
I feel like there’s a whole bunch of stereotyping in that article — on both ends. I work hard to keep my friendships strong, for life — when my friends have kids and when they don’t. I’ve never had the thought to blame motherhood for growing apart with people. (For the record, I have no children) I’ve had friends who have had children that I see fairly regularly and I’m very close to. We both work hard to keep the friendship strong, but I also understand that they have different priorities than they did 3 years ago (not a bad thing, btw). I also have friends that only communicate with me via the latest photo of their child. They’ve become totally MIA. I think that’s a function of who the person is though, and I don’t take it personally. Anyway, I hate articles like that… sorry for the ramble!
I was the first to have children in my group of friends. In fact I had no friends with children.
Jude was quite the surprise.
Anywho…
Some of my friends drifted away because they didn’t quite get it, but I also think I alienated myself some from them because I thought.. they wouldn’t get it.
I didn’t have any horrible experiences, and now I have two wonderful relationships with childless people.
Hi ladies!!
It’s me Lisa G (the woman who made the comments inthe article).
I ditched the “mommie mafia” who I basically describe as the kind of moms who be all end all life existence is all about their kid. I am all for parents being attentive and caring but obessive and self sabatoging – nah no thanks!!
So by ditching these Bree Vanderkamp suburban mommies from hell. I opened myself up to attracting a new group of friends who aren’t the cookie cutter college grad, marry, have baby, get mc mansion with mc suv to match, obsess over getting kids intot he right pre school, obsess over getting that stain out of their husband’s favorite pants, pop some Prozac repeat…
My new friends are single, married, coupled by not married, parents non parents – its a total mixed bag. We have a blast!! And why??? Because no one tries to ram their lifestyle down anyone elses throat. In fact they admire that my husband and I actually thought about all that goes into being a parent on every level before having a kid just because society says it’s the norm. My new parented friends are open minded and they love they can come hang out at our house with other adults.
When the parented friends come over they already know it’s an adult night so they hire a sitter or leave the kids with a family member. Out of respect for them we make sure we make plans in advance so they can arrage for childcare.
We don’t need to be clingy and calling all the time but we drop a note on e-mail or connect in a text message and then make plans!!
I think there are two camps of parents. The parents who have a life outside of their kids and the parents that don’t. Period.
My mother ws a single mom and she made sure I was very very well cared for but the woman was 27 when I was 6. She was divorced, attractive and young (then again my mom is 59 years okd and still seems young because she never let herself turn into mom #1 -the mom with no life except for me, the moms who can’t remember the last time they washed their hair).
I understand being a mother is hard work and incredibly energy zapping and time consuming –one of the many reasons I decided not to parent anything other than a dog (you don’t get arrested for leaving your dog unattended for 6 hours – just give him some water, pat his head and out the door you go). And this time consuming energy zapping responsibility leaves little time for friends.
However… I see plenty of mom’s out there who manage to get their cute outfit on and go out for a night and by night I mean out until 3 am!! I have no idea how they deal with their kids in the morning on 4 hours sleep but more power to them.
Needless to say my new “parented with a life” friends are awesome!! Last year we went to the Dominican Republic for vacation and in May we go to Mexico!! I’m friends with these people two years and we get together twice a month at least and had two vacations together. My snooty mommy mafia friends did nothing unless their kids were in the mix. Heaven forbid they weren’t all a famleeee. As if going out with just your spouse makes your family less of a family. Whatever, I’m over them and I love it.
In the end the issue is any friendhip worth having takes effort. If you truly want to be with the people then you’ll find time to do so and they’ll make time for you.
Most of all it’s not about finding someone with the exact same life situation as yours but soemone who clicks with you as a person, not as a felow mother, or as a fellow drinking buddie but on a more profound level.
I find I am so grateful for my new crew of friends. They are kind fun people with warm hearts. They don’t claim to be perfect the way the fake ass mommie mafia portray themselves to be.
I read through the threads on here and trust me you guys are sooo not mommy mafia. You guys are just trying to juggle a lot of stuff.
Just make sure you don’t lose yourselves in the shuffle. Here’s something that shocked the hell out of me… how the mommy mafia women are even clickie and judgie among other moms. How pathetic!!